Kids Can Be So Cruel: Helping Children Cope with Bullying about their Medical Conditions
By Lisa C. Greene and Foster W. Cline, MD
Jessica is generally a happy kid. But she didn’t look very sunny when
she got home from school. So, her mom asked, “How was your day at school
sweetheart?"
Jessica’s answer was slow, with some reluctance: "Well, mom, I don’t
know…. not so great….
She seemed to need a little encouragement to continue. “So….?”
“Susie and I were standing at my locker when Josh walked up and said,
“Hey Susie. Why are you hanging out with a loser like Jessica? She's
just gonna die on ya from cystic fibrosis!”
Stunned, this mother grabbed the edge of the counter just to contain
herself. Kids these days can be so cruel! Fighting to contain her anger,
she asked, "So, what did you do?"
"Well, I didn't do anything but Susie kicked him in the shins!”
There are bullies in abundance. There isn't a kid alive who hasn't
experienced a brush with a bully on the playgrounds of life. But,
sometimes bullying passes the point of no return. Hearing many
variations on this same story over and over again from families of
children with cystic fibrosis (CF), I realize such moments are
inevitable. Every parent of a child with a serious medical issue or
disability lives with the knowledge that their loved ones will face such
unexpected and thoughtless remarks. At some point, it is likely that my
own two children with CF will face such cruelty at the hands of their
peers.
As parents, we carefully construct explanations about our child’s
diseases and deliver them tactfully and hopefully. But that can all come
crashing down in a heap at the hands of a thoughtless and bullying peer.
So I, as all parents with children who live with chronic illnesses, must
decide: Is it perhaps best for me to purposefully tell my children the
hard truth - that yes, they indeed might die young from CF (or diabetes,
etc.) - before I leave it up to chance at the hands of a thoughtless
bully or even a well-meaning teacher?
Jessica’s story brings up a number of related issues:
- When and how do we talk about the possible results of a deadly
illness?
- How do we handle bullying?
Unfortunately, the answers are not easy and individual situations vary;
thus generalizations may not helpful in all individual cases.
Factors that influence how parents talk about a possible early death
with their child include the child's age; the child's maturity; the
parents’ ability to cope with their own emotions when communicating
about the subject; the severity of the illness and the immenence of
death.
Factors that influence how parents talk about bullying with their child
include many of the very same factors: the child's age, the severity of
the bullying or threats, the maturity of the child, and the parents’
ability to cope thoughtfully about the subject. For instance, when
parents understandably become overwrought, frightened or rageful about
their child being bullied, their emotions are contagious and generally
not helpful for the child. A better response is to express curiosity,
interest, and allow the child to at least have the opportunity to vent,
cope, and problem solve. Certainly if the situation makes coping or
problem solving impossible, the parents haven’t closed the door to
stepping in, taking charge, reporting and rescuing if these actions are
called for.
In any case, whether we are talking about bullying or communicating
about a possibly fatal outcome, if parents can cope with the issue, it
is better that their child hears the facts and options from parents than
from an uncaring peer or thoughtless remark at school.
Unfortunately, due to limited space here, we can’t cover both issues in
detail so we’ll focus on dealing with bullying. But first we’ll give you
some basic guidelines to follow when discussing difficult issues in
general with your children as taken from the book “Parenting Children
with Health Issues”:
1. Before you give answers, ask yourself: whose needs are you addressing
? yours or your child’s?
2. Consider whether you are giving more information than the child wants
or needs to hear.
3. Be open to your children talking with you about anything and
everything.
4. When you are not sure how to give the answer, ask more questions.
5. Recognize that sometimes your child is trying to “protect” you.
6. Show acceptance even when you can’t show approval.
7. Every answer dealing with life-and-death issues should leave room for
hope.
When our children face bullying, there are two broad paths the parents
may follow:
Path One: Protecting the child
Path Two: Helping the child to cope and respond effectively
When a child is simply teased, Path Two is often the best option. If a
child is threatened with physical harm, Path One is probably necessary.
Certainly such paths are not mutually exclusive. Love and Logic
principles emphasize that the more the child is able to respond
effectively to the problem him or herself, the more resilient and
capable the child becomes. It is understandable when parents naturally
become upset, show sorrow, become indignant and talk about ways of
rescuing the child when bullying occurs. The problem is that these
responses make it easier for the child to take the reciprocal response
of victim. This can sometimes be avoided by discussion of options,
problem solving and encouragement.
For instance, concerning teasing by a bully and using the Love and Logic
metaphors, a Helicopter Parent might make the following comments:
“How awful.”
“I’ll phone the school (or the parent, teacher, coach, etc).”
“Something should be done about that kid.”
Comments such as these imply:
“You are fragile.”
“You can’t make it without me.”
“You need my protection.”
“There’s nothing you can do about it, you’re helpless.”
“Something like this can scar you for a long time.”
A Drill Sergeant Parent might come through as follows:
“You need to fight back.”
“Stop your whining about this.”
“Maybe I’ll go down and knock some sense into those kids.”
“What you need to do next time is…”
These types of comments imply:
“You can’t think so I have to think for you.”
“You aren’t capable of making it in life.”
“You can’t handle this without my help.”
“You need me to tell you what to do.”
A Consultant Parent tends to explore and ask questions:
“Why are they picking on you?”
“Do you have ideas about how they are feeling that makes ‘em talk like
this?”
“Who do you think you might be able to talk to at school about this?”
“What are the ways you can handle it?”
“When the kids say those things about you, do you believe them or do you
think they have their own problems?”
“Would you like to hear how other kids might handle something like
this?”
“Do you have some thoughts about how I could be most helpful?”
These types of responses imply:
“If anyone can handle a situation like this, it’s you.”
“You are capable!”
“You make good decisions and solve your own problems well.”
“I’m here for you if you decide that you want my help.”
Note that none of the Consultant Parent responses preclude the parent
from stepping in and rescuing the child or taking charge of confronting
the situation. But if the child can be encouraged to handle the problem,
the child’s self image and coping skills are increased.
So putting bullying and death together, understanding the truth that an
ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and taking a child’s
maturity and knowledge into account, a parent might start a conversation
with a first through third grader by wondering:
“As you know, your cystic fibrosis is a very serious disease that leads
some people to die earlier than others. How would you handle it, I
wonder, if some kid ever was mean and said something like, “I don’t have
to listen to you, ‘cause you’re going to die early anyway?” Then
thoughtfully explore the child’s answers, letting the child take the
lead.
Kids can be cruel but parents can take advantage of these unfortunate
moments to build their child’s character, self-esteem and coping skills.
About The Author
The book "Parenting Children with Health Issues: Essential Tools, Tips
and Tactics for Raising Kids with Chronic Illness, Medical Conditions and
Special Healthcare Needs" is recommended by The Library Journal, Midwest
Book Review and Stanford Medical Library as well as numerous medical and mental
health professionals, authors, non-profit organizations and parents of special
needs kids.
Bestselling author Foster W. Cline, MD is an internationally-known child
psychiatrist, public speaker and co-founder of the popular Love and Logic parent
training program. Co-author Lisa C. Greene is the mother of two children with
cystic fibrosis and a parent coach. For book purchases and general parenting
information, visit
www.loveandlogic.com. For Health Issues articles, Ask Dr. Cline Q&A and free
audio downloads, visit
www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com.
Used With Permission
