Jelly Mom™ - Navigating Commercial Landmines
©Lisa Barker
I'm waiting for one of the kids to ask me what reptile dysfunction is. There's
no escaping the ads on television. I imagine how the talk will go so that I'm
prepared:
"What er-reptile dysfunction, Momma?"
"It's what happens when your frog can't catch flies anymore. Or when your
chameleon can't change colors. Or when your lizard can't grow a tail. Or when
your iguana can't...."
"Woman, what are you telling them?"
"We're talking about reptile dysfunction."
"Your getting your reptiles and amphibians confused."
"Momma, what happens to Geckos?"
"They get upstaged by whiney cavemen."
"What?"
"Don't worry about them. They're upstanding amphibians, I think, very charming
and polite. And they can save you a lot of money."
This is when I get 'the look' from one of my kids. The very same look I expect
to get when I am a great-grandmother and they park me in the corner and send the
great-grandbabies over to entertain me and I scare them by popping my dentures
out at them.
"Oh, look! Our show is back on." We settle back only to have our entertainment
interrupted by more sponsors of products for adults.
"Momma, what's a tampon?"
"It's a magic wand that makes women wear white and dance around barefoot once a
month."
I don't know what's worse. Advertising these products for the general public to
view-including children-or the brainless writers that actually think women dance
around in white clothes when they're having Auntie Flo over for tea. There's no
amount of anti-depressants, anti-water-retention, anti-crabbiness,
anti-bloating, anti-aching that's going to make a woman wear white for such
occasions.
It's like those commercials for women's underwear where they have about twenty
women dancing around in their skivvies because they are so happy with the fit.
You'll never see a commercial for men's underwear done like that. Men have
standards.
I teach my kids to respect another's privacy and we're all embarrassed to be
caught in our underwear...but it's okay to dance around in them on television
because you get money for that.
"Momma, what's herpes?"
"Uhhhhhhhh." I can't think of a good segue. What do I tell a five-year old?
It's a sickness that the man has and the woman really, really hopes she doesn't
have? Think, think, think...herpes, burpies...Slurpees!
"Hey, that reminds me! When's the last time we had a Slurpee?"
Phew! We don't dwell on STDs too much. But soon a commercial for Cialis runs.
"What's ED?"
That again. "Er-reptile dysfunction."
"I don't see any frogs or lizards. I just see two naked old people in
bathtubs."
"The frogs are in the tubs." Or are they toads? At that age you get a little
bumpy like a toad.
"Ewwwwww."
"Yeah. Ewwwwww."
About The Author
LISA BARKER of Greenfield is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of five. Her
latest book is "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane ... Doesn't Mean You Are
A Bad Parent!" See
www.JellyMom.com for more information.
