Essential Parenting Tips for Raising Kids with Medical Issues
By Lisa C. Greene and Foster W. Cline, MD
I knew I was in trouble. She ripped the oxygen sensor off her finger and
refused to put it back on.
Recovering from surgery isn’t easy for anyone but it’s especially
challenging when the patient is only seven. My daughter was grumpy and
uncooperative. That was understandable but not helping the situation.
Coming out of surgery, she needed to be monitored; the medical sensors
weren’t optional. Kasey was not responding well to the doses of loving
kindness and patience shown by those around her. There was nothing
anyone could do to satisfy her. She was simply cranky.
“I need a blanket!” I pull up the blanket. She kicks it off with a
scowl: “I’m too hot.” Then, “I’m thirsty!” The nurse says, “You’ll throw
up. You need to wait awhile.” “No, I want water now!” she cries
pitifully. Heart aching, I ask for some water. They give her a red
popsicle. That should make her happy if anything will. One little nibble
and she resumes her wails for water. “Can’t we give her a little water?”
I ask. “What’s the worst that can happen?” So we gave her some water and
she was satisfied. Then, she promptly threw up.
I start running through all of my good Love and Logic tools that might
help to insure the oxygen sensor stays on her finger. What might work?
Enforceable statements? Nah, not the right thing at this moment.
Empathy? Yeah but I’m already giving her lots of that. Choices? Ah ha!
Let’s try that one. “Would you like the sensor on your finger or your
toe?” No response except the stubbornly set chin and a turn of the head.
With a heavy sigh, it struck me again how hard it is to set limits
around misbehavior when our child is sick and in pain. When our children
are hurting, it is so natural for everyone around them to acquiesce to
every demand. We feel so badly for them and just want to make it all
better- make it all go away. For a short period of time, that might be
tolerable and not harmful. Sometimes we all need a little extra leeway
and grace. But when giving leeway impedes good health care or giving
understanding enables poor health decisions then thoughtful parenting
choices become critical. And correct parenting responses are even more
critical when pain and sickness are a part of everyday life.
These circumstances lead many children to understandably become more
demanding and entitled. However, continually bowing down to the
constant, and at times unreasonable, demands of a spoiled tyrant can be
wearing on everyone in the house. And sadly, it doesn’t even help the
demanding child that parents may be attempting to pacify. Illness and
pain make it hard to know where to draw the line. At what point does a
parent say, “I am happy to bring you a popsicle when you ask me nicely?”
And how many parents are really strong enough to withstand the tantrum
that is likely to ensue?
When a child is chronically ill, guilt often kicks in along with close
cousins: sympathy and fear. Guilt, sympathy and fear can control our
parental responses before we are really even aware of them. As we trot
off to retrieve the demanded item for an ill child, the thought might
not even occur to us to accept only polite requests. And if the thought
“I don’t like how she is treating me” does occur, it gets drowned out by
the other thoughts like “Give her a break, she doesn’t feel well” or
“She might get even sicker if I don’t do as she asks” or “I want all of
her moments to be happy ones so I won’t say no” or “I have no energy to
handle the fighting that is sure to happen if I say no.”
The problem is that the more we give in to a tyrant, the more he
demands. Hitler is the extreme example that appeasement simply doesn’t
work; not for dictators and not for children. We are all part of the
same human race with the same only too human nature that says: “I want
more.” All who have spent time around a strong willed two- or
three-year-old know the truth of Lawrence Kutner’s statement, “The
fundamental job of a toddler is to rule the universe.” Left unchecked,
demanding toddlers grow up to become controlling and demanding adults.
So, what is a parent to do? How do we best insure that our children cope
with their health challenges in productive ways? How do we help them
grow up into adults who are respectful, responsible, and hopeful?
Effectively responding to an ill and demanding child starts with an
awareness of the dangers of an entitled mentality. Although parents may
put up with a child who is demanding, rude, or lacking self control, the
real world of adulthood is much less accepting. The best gift a parent
can give a child is the opportunity to learn how to treat others with
respect and to guide them in taking responsibility for getting their own
needs met instead of demanding that others meet those needs.
Parents must effectively deal with arguments when setting limits.
One-liners can be very effective. A calmly delivered response such as “I
love you too much to argue” can turn down the heat when tempers start to
flare- on both sides.
Share control as much as possible. Children who are chronically ill have
less control over their bodies, time and circumstances than other kids.
Allowing children to make as many decisions as possible helps them feel
like they at least have some control in their own lives.
Parents must take good care of themselves by setting loving limits
around how they are treated. Gently delivered phrases such as “I will
listen to you as soon as your voice is calm like mine” or “I am happy to
do nice things for you when I feel treated with respect” or “I’ll get
you the remote control when you ask nicely” will help your child learn
to treat you, and others, with respect.
When children make mistakes, including treating others badly, wise
parents respond with empathy and sadness rather than anger and
frustration before delivering consequences. “Oh sweetheart, this is so
sad. All of this arguing (or disrespect) has really worn me out today so
I won’t be taking you on your play date. Maybe we can try again
tomorrow.”
As I gazed at my daughter’s firmly set chin and pursed lips, I pondered
how to handle this oxygen sensor issue. I knew telling her to “just do
it” wasn’t going to cut it. That would only make her dig in and be more
resistant. Of course in the extreme, the doctors could make her keep it
on but that’s not what I wanted to do. Forcing a child to comply might
win the battle but loses the war of building character and internal
ability to make good decisions. In the end, it was simply allowing her
to the freedom to make her own decisions that did it and trusting that
she was a good decision-maker if given information in a matter-of-fact
manner without showing my frustration. “Sweetheart, I understand you
don’t like it but I don’t think it’s a wise decision to keep the sensor
off. If your body starts to get sick then the doctors won’t know it and
it could be a problem for you. So what do you think you’ll do here?” I
could see the wheels turning….
And without a word, she picked up the sensor and popped it back onto her
finger. Oh wise child!
About The Author
The book "Parenting Children with Health Issues: Essential Tools, Tips
and Tactics for Raising Kids with Chronic Illness, Medical Conditions and
Special Healthcare Needs" is recommended by The Library Journal, Midwest
Book Review and Stanford Medical Library as well as numerous medical and mental
health professionals, authors, non-profit organizations and parents of special
needs kids.
Bestselling author Foster W. Cline, MD is an internationally-known child
psychiatrist, public speaker and co-founder of the popular Love and Logic parent
training program. Co-author Lisa C. Greene is the mother of two children with
cystic fibrosis and a parent coach. For book purchases and general parenting
information, visit
www.loveandlogic.com. For Health Issues articles, Ask Dr. Cline Q&A and free
audio downloads, visit
www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com.
Used With Permission
