Coping with a New Step Dad
By Armin Brott
www.mrdad.com
Dear Mr. Dad: Six months ago, my wife and I divorced because she was
having an affair. After our divorce, she remarried and my 3-year old son
has become attached to her new husband, who showers him with expensive
presents. I know my son loves me, but it isn’t easy for me not to feel
hurt by their relationship. I don’t want to harm my son’s relationship
with his stepfather, so how can I deal with these feelings?
A: Sometimes mothers think they’re the only ones who feel threatened by
their ex’s new relationships, but it happens to dads, too. It’s never
easy to watch another man come into the picture and “steal” your family.
In your situation, such feelings might be worse because of how your
marriage ended and how quickly the stepfather entered the picture. Rest
assured, though, there’s nothing unusual about your reactions.
First, it’s commendable that you want your son to have a strong, healthy
relationship with his stepfather. And you’re absolutely right about that
being important. Your son’s transition during this difficult time will
be much easier when he has security and support not only in your home
but also in his mother’s.
Second, you may be right about the gift issue, too. At your son’s age,
gifts probably are the quickest way to his heart. After all, even as
adults don’t we tend to like people more when they’re giving us
presents? However, your young son has no idea (hopefully) how this man
(I’m assuming he was the “other man”) played a part in the break-up of
his parent’s marriage.
It’s not easy to deal with the painful feelings you experience when your
son talks about or runs to greet his stepfather. But you must continue
resisting the urge to mention your negative feelings to your son. Even
if you mistakenly told him why you don’t like his stepdad, a child of
three could never understand. But if he senses there are some things he
shouldn’t tell you, you might be setting yourself up for future
problems. No matter how painful, you have to keep open the lines of
communication between you—even when you are discussing his stepfather.
Also, you can’t allow your hurt feelings to interfere with your
responsibility as a parent. You may have an urge to fight back against
the stepfather by buying your son presents you can’t afford and by
getting lax on discipline. Spoiling your son and permitting him to
ignore rules may make you his favorite parent in the short run, but in
the big picture you won’t be doing him any favors. And, if that’s the
type of treatment he’s getting at his mother’s home, he needs you even
more to be a strong but loving Dad.
Realize too that your feelings aren’t only based on the fear of losing
your son to his stepfather. You also must have many complicated feelings
about the divorce—especially one that ended due to adultery. You feel
hurt, betrayed, and vulnerable – all things guys aren’t ‘supposed’ to
feel. With time, the pain will subside. It won’t happen overnight, but
it will happen and eventually, your resentment towards the stepfather
will also soften. You may never like him, but you will be able to
tolerate his role in your son’s life.
Also, you need to keep moving on with your life. You don’t have to start
dating right away, but go out and start living again. Go out with
friends, meet new people, and get involved in activities. Something as
simple as having your friends over to watch a movie or to play poker can
improve your outlook on everything.
Above all else, though, keep being an active part of your son’s life. By
making sure he knows you’re always there for him, in his heart you won’t
be replaced by another man.
About The Author
Armin Brott’s bestselling
books , including The Expectant Father and the
recent release Fathering Your School Age Child , have helped millions of
men around the world become the fathers they want to be—and their
children need them to be. Armin has been a guest on
hundreds of radio
and television shows, writes a nationally syndicated column, “Ask Mr.
Dad,” and hosts a weekly radio show. He and his family live in Oakland,
California. For more information visit
www.mrdad.com.
Used With Permission
