Dating with Kids: 12 Tips for Single Moms
by Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing, authors of STILL HOT: The
Uncensored Guide to Divorce, Dating, Sex, Spite, and Happily Ever After
Dating with kids can be challenging – whether you’re recently divorced
or you’ve already endured two years’ worth of Starbucks dates -- and
whether your kids are two or twenty-two. But your children can also be
helpful, especially if you recognize their wisdom. Here are a dozen tips
on how they can help or hinder your social life.
1) First things first. After 20 years of puttering around the house in
your ex-husband’s tattered Sigma Epsilon sweatshirts, size XXXL, you’ll
need to spruce up your wardrobe. Here’s where your teenage daughter can
be an invaluable asset. Set her loose in your closet, armed with an
industrial-size trash bag. Close your eyes and trust her as she dumps
your frump-wear: baggy sweats, grubby T’s, maxi skirts, clodhopper
shoes. In short, anything that makes you look like Granny from “The
Beverly Hillbillies.”
2) This doesn’t give you license to start dressing like the Olsen twins
and cause your children endless embarrassment. Stay out of the teen
department, and avoid those eensy-weensy mini-skirts, baby-doll tops,
and low-rise jeans that display your new red thong. Let your children
play the hosts on your personal version of “What Not to Wear.” You’ll
know you’ve gone way too far if your daughter says you look like a “skank,”
and your son asks if you’re decked out for a dance at the middle school.
3) Now that you’ve made the leap from soccer-mom stodgy to single-mom
sexy, you’re ready to meet some guys. Again, here’s an area where it can
actually help to have children. Keep your eyes open for attractive
single dads when you pick up your kids from track meets, driver’s ed,
SAT prep, CCD class, or Bar Mitzvahs. But whatever you do, NEVER date
the father of your child’s friend. Believe us: this will make the kids
gag.
4) You spent your adult life living side by side with your ex-husband,
24/7. The upshot? You know nothing about men. At this point, your
children’s creep radar for weeding out weirdos is a thousand times
keener than your own. So if you show a guy’s internet dating profile to
your teenage daughter for pre-approval and she points out that he’s a
dead-ringer for the Unabomber, listen to her.
5) When was the last time you went out on a date anyway? It was a
different century! It’s as if you were cryogenically frozen 20 years ago
and just thawed out. You’ll find yourself grilling your teenagers about
when to return a guy’s call, how to open a text message, what to write
on your internet profile. With great condescension, they’ll deliver a
painfully elementary lecture on the how-to’s of handling men. Take
notes.
6) Eventually you’ll catch up and hone your own instincts about whom to
date. And sometimes, you can use your kids as a barometer. For instance,
if a guy invites you to a pricey, five-star dinner at Auberge d’Argent,
and you’d rather stay home and watch “South Park” with them, trust that
impulse.
7) Of course, your kids will only be helpful up to a point. The same
15-year-old who proofread your internet dating profile might feel
possessive once you’re actually dating. She may need reassurance that
she’s still the most important person in your life -- especially if she
starts demanding your help with algebra on Saturday nights.
8) Your teenagers may also feel protective when you start dating. Just
as you need to know when they’ll be home, remember to show them the same
courtesy. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if they call your cell at 1:30
a.m. while you’re out on a date, and offer, “If you’ve been drinking,
we’ll pick you up wherever you are – no questions asked.”
9) Keep in mind that your children still picture you sitting home every
night, just waiting for the chance to roast a chicken for them. So be
prepared for your college freshman to pop home unexpectedly, laundry
bags and roommates in tow. Don’t get caught making out with your new
boyfriend in front of the kitchen window.
10) No matter how mature your daughter is, do not update her on your
decision to sleep with the guy you’re seeing. Or for that matter, tell
her anything about your sex life. Remember, she’s your child, not your
friend. In her words: “Like, too much information. Gross.”
11) Dating with really young kids poses a special challenge. Babysitters
are a budget-breaker, and besides, you might feel guilty going out on
Saturday night rather than staying home and playing Candy Land. But if
you’re organized and highly energetic, you can have it all. Just feed
them, bathe them, read The Cat in the Hat, and tuck them in. Then bring
out the candles and wine, and whip up a 30-minute meal for two at 8:30.
It’s a lot of work, but a welcome break from those 5:30 dinners of
Scooby-Doo mac ‘n’ cheese with dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Yum.
12) The advantage of dating with little kids is that they’ll welcome
your new boyfriend so long as he gives them a high-five and a bag of
pretzels. Not so when they’re older and wiser. Don’t expect them to like
any guy you date seriously within the first year of your divorce, even
if he offers them World Series tickets and a keg of beer. But by now
your radar is working and you know the ropes, so if you think he’s worth
it, hang in there. Your kids will come around. Maybe.
About The Authors
Sue Mittenthal has worked as both an editor and writer for newspapers
and magazines. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Boston
Globe, Esquire, Family Circle, Glamour, Ladies’ Home Journal, Reader’s
Digest, McCall’s and Consumer Reports. She is currently a freelance
writer in New York.
Linda Reing began practicing for a career as a stand-up comic at age 7.
When she realized that this would mean performing in front of audiences,
she quickly changed gears. Over the years she has continued to embrace
humor as her means of coping with the world, as well as a way to
entertain friends and family. She is a fundraiser and lives in New York
City.
The authors met when their children were toddlers and reconnected when
their husbands toddled off.
For more information, please visit
http://stillhotbook.blogspot.com/.
