Dealing With the Stubborn and Argumentative Teen
You will be surprised to hear that very few teenagers actually like to argue.
They're just trying to ask questions in order to find out why we do things the
way we do them. Teens are starting to get interested in life and what goes on
around them. In their awkward way, they are attempting to get at the reason for
our actions. They form opinions and naturally wonder if our way is the only way.
While "Do it this way" or "Because I said so" might have worked with our nine
year old, for the teenager this is not reason enough anymore.
Due to the teen's lack of communication skills, their questions are easily
perceived as criticism by parents - and we get defensive. Some teens give up
easily, surprised by the parent's reaction, if they don't get the information
they were after, while others just keep on trying - and parent and teen wind up
in a heated argument.
Teens are also expanding their independence and will fight to have some input
and control over their lives. They want to be able to make small decisions on
their own, without the parent telling them how and when.
If your teen feels he is being controlled or pressured too much he will either
resort to stubbornly ignoring you and your request, or he will argue.
In fact, your teen could get so focused on breaking out from under your control
and pressure that nothing else will matter to him. For example, repeatedly
asking your teen to do his homework could result in him not doing his homework
at all - and your teen is not considering how this will affect his grades.
One way to avoid this type of stubborn opposition is to give some control to
your teen by attaching a time limit to your request. "Please finish your
homework before dinner," for example, and then don't mention it again until
dinner time.
Allow your teen to make decisions on matters you know he can handle, and let him
know that you are ready and available if he needs help. Involving your teen in
decisions about him does not take away a parent's power, but it shows your teen
that you accept him as an individual and are ready to give him a chance. It also
teaches him that he can indeed work with you through important life decisions.
Give your teen responsibility by assigning tasks, but step back and let him
handle the situation. There is a very good chance your teen will do the task
differently than you would, and for some parents it will not be easy at all to
let the teen try it a different way when you know what works.
Resist that urge, let your teen experiment - and try not to tell him he is doing
it wrong or that it will not work that way. Either your teenager will prove to
you that there is another way to come to the same result, or he will have to
admit, after several wasted hours, that your way is the right way after all.
Overall, try not to answer with a quick "No" if your teen approaches you with a
request - and I know it's so easy, we are already stressed juggling job,
household, and family. The last thing we need is something else to worry about.
However, if you take the time to listen to your teen and his opinions, he will
also be willing to listen to you and your advice.
You will be surprised how quickly you will see a difference in the way you and
your teen interact.
About The Author
Christina Botto, author of Help Me With My Teenager! A Step-by-Step Guide for
Parents that Works has been helping parents and teenagers resolve complicated
issues for more than 14 years, observing and developing parenting strategies.
Her website http://www.parentingateenager.net offers a variety of tools and
resources to help parents of teenagers deal with issues they are struggling
with.
