Real Life Support for Moms
Motherhood & More
By Melissa Stanton
www.lifesupportformoms.com
Women are often defined by their relationships to others, and for most
of history women followed the single-lane path from being a father’s
daughter to a husband’s wife to a child’s mother. While familial labels
also apply to males, men have traditionally been allowed to just be
whomever they are—without a stated link to someone else. (Think of the
notable men, past and present, about whom you know little or nothing
regarding their marital and family status.)
I make this observation as a woman who, having left a successful career
to become a stay-at-home mom, is now mostly identified by whom I care
for rather than the whole of who I am. Most adult women are mothers, but
each one of us is a mother and more.
It’s important for men and society-at-large to understand that truth,
but it’s essential for women to accept that they needn’t be solely
defined by or worse, consumed by, motherhood. I suspect that each of us
would be more content in our daily lives, and collectively more
supportive of one another, if we abandoned the head games that accompany
our work as mothers. (And yes, I consider motherhood and childrearing to
be a job.) Hence ….
Stay-at-home Mothers need to speak up when they’re told, “You’re so
lucky you don’t have to work.” Stay-at-home moms are indeed “lucky: that
their households can get by on one income (even barely), but these women
absolutely work—as mothers. Save for the occasional “princess bride”
whose home and children are managed by what amounts to her own palace
staff, women who spend their days directly caring for young children
work longer hours than most people do in the paid workforce. We all need
to recognize that caring for children without end is a physically,
emotionally and intellectually taxing job. As such, a mom who
occasionally loses her temper—or counts the minutes until she can hand
the kids to her spouse or a sitter—isn’t a bad mom. She (you?) simply
needs a break, just like any other overworked employee.
Employed Mothers who have full- or part-time jobs outside the home may
want to craft a response to, or else simply tune out, comments along the
lines of, “Why did you have children if you won’t stay home and care for
them?” Such statements are rarely (if ever) made about men who go to
jobs as opposed to staying at home caring for kids. Mothers participate
in the workforce for many reasons, chief among them the need to earn
money. (After all, living on one income is becoming harder and harder
all the time.) The only reason an employed mom should ever feel guilty
about leaving her children in order to work is if she is truly
neglecting her offspring or placing them in an unsafe, un-nurturing
environment. Parents need to do what they determine is best or essential
for their family, preferably without giving short shrift to anyone in
the mix.
Work-from-home Mothers who are attempting to balance domestic
responsibilities with those in the world beyond their front doors are
best served by recognizing that, at different times, their attention
will be on one universe or the other. That means when a work-from-home
mother is participating in the work world, her office door needs to be
shut, her kids should be out of earshot (at school or with a caregiver)
and everyone has to understand that although mom is home, she’s not
really there. While work life will likely intrude on home life, there
needs to be defined times for family. In some cases, a work-from-home
mom can focus on business by day when her kids are in school, “leave”
the office around 3 pm to manage post-school activities (homework,
dinner, bath and bed), and then go back to work for another few
after-dark hours. (Having recently begun to work part-time from home
myself, I’ve found that I’m tons more efficient than I ever was
commuting to and from an office and getting pulled into meetings and
workplace socializing.)
For Mothers in Transition—which we all have been or will be at some
point in our lives—it’s useful to concentrate on living in the present,
because the past is unchangeable and the future can’t be controlled. So
if a woman is moving into motherhood as a first time parent, or from the
workforce into the stay-at-home world, or vice versa, all involved need
to recognize that she is in the midst of an enormous change. It’s a myth
that motherhood is purely instinctive and that, unlike men, women are
just wired to care for and bond with babies and children. Parenting is a
learned skill and, frankly, a talent. Some of us are faster or more
intuitive learners than others. Whatever transition stage you’re in,
recognize it—and recognize that even though your neighbor may make it
all look so easy, it’s not!
So absolutely, be proud of being your child or children’s mother—and
your parent’s daughter and your partner’s spouse. Just don’t forget to
be proud of, and concerned about, your non-mom self as well.
About The Author
Copyright 2008 Melissa Stanton
Melissa Stanton “gets it.” Having been an employed mom (as an editor at
People and LIFE magazines), a stay-at-home mom (to a boy and twin
girls), and now a work-from-home mom, she understands the joys and
challenges of motherhood, and the hoops women have to climb through in
order to balance a career and family or leave the paid workforce for a
while to work as a stay-at-home mom. (Yes, stay-at-home motherhood is a
job.) Through her book--The Stay-at-Home Survival Guide: Field-tested
strategies for staying smart, sane, and connected while caring for your
kids--articles and guest appearances, Melissa stresses the need to be
supportive of all moms and defuse the “mommy wars” between and about
employed and stay-at-home moms. For more information visit
www.lifesupportformoms.com.
Used With Permission
