Ten Rules for Talking to Your Children about Grades
By Chick Moorman & Thomas Haller
www.PersonalPowerPress.com
• My teen came home with a poor report card. How do I talk to her about
it?
• I want to praise my son for his recent grades but I don’t want to go
overboard. How should I handle it?
• What do you say to a child who has a decent report card but you know
they could do so much better?
These are just a few of the questions we have received in recent weeks
via email, at workshops, or from clients. These parents, who place a
high emphasis on grades, want to know what to say and how to talk to
children about the grades and the comments teachers place on their
report cards. To that end, we offer the following ten rules for talking
to your children about grades.
1. Begin early. Talk with your children about grades before report cards
come out. Clearly define what you think about grades and what
expectations you have for your children regarding grades from the
beginning of their school experience. Don’t wait until you hold a report
card in your hands before you begin this important communication.
2. Remember, your children are not their grades. Grades are only a
partial reflection of who and what they really are, know, and are
capable of becoming. Grades measure only what your child’s particular
school defines as smart. That narrow definition of intelligence does not
measure emotional intelligence, spontaneity, integrity, trustworthiness,
fortitude, sensitivity, creativity and a host of other important
characteristics.
3. Rewards are ineffective if a love of learning is your goal. Paying
kids ten dollars for each A, treating them to ice cream if they bring
home a good report card, or buying a new video game if they get on the
honor role promotes only short-term results at best. What getting
rewards for grades really teaches children is that you don’t study so
you can learn and grow, you study so you can get a treat or special
concert tickets. You are teaching your children that learning is not the
goal; grades are.
4. Move up in consciousness before you move in with action. Take three
deep breaths or count to ten before you say anything in response to a
report card. Talk to yourself before you talk to the child. Remind
yourself that he or she is not his or her grades. He is love and light,
a child of God. Remember that what is, is. You cannot change these
grades. They are what they are. It is where the child goes from here,
what she does with the information that is on the report card, that is
important. The next step is the only one that can be taken now. When you
have all that in mind and you are emotionally under control, move to
action using the following rules for discussing grades.
5. Listen more than talk. When discussing a report card, ask lots of
questions. Ask your child: How do you feel about these grades? What do
you attribute them to? Were there any surprises on this report card for
you? What are you most proud of? Are there any disappointments here for
you? What is one goal you have for next time?
6. Be descriptive rather than evaluative. Evaluative words like “good
job,” “excellent,” “superb,” “lousy,” “pitiful,” and “poor” are not
helpful. Evaluation does not teach or give the child useful information.
Describe what you see and leave the evaluation for the child. “Looks
like you’re a bit down from last time.” “Two teachers mentioned missing
assignments.” Children who receive a positive report card need
affirmation, not evaluation. Affirm what they have accomplished with
descriptive comments. “I notice you went up in two classes.” “Every one
of your teachers said they enjoyed having you in class.”
7. Separate the deed from the doer. “I love you and I don’t like this
report card” helps the child see that it is the results you don’t enjoy,
not the person. Help your children see that they are not their report
card. Likewise, stay away from comments such as, “I love you so much
when you bring home a report card like this.” This style of
communication obviously tells the child that your love is linked to high
grades, so if the grades go down so will your love.
8. Focus on solution seeking. Dwelling on what you have defined as a
problem brings negative energy to the situation and keeps you stuck in
what is. Attention to solution seeking infuses the discussion with
positive energy and helps you concentrate on moving things forward to a
different ending. Fix the problem rather than fixing blame by searching
for solutions.
9. Punishments don’t work. Consequences and natural outcome do. What are
natural consequences of poor grades? Having a tutor work with you on
Saturday mornings. Going to a learning specialist three days a week
after school. Investing part of your summer retaking a class. Explain to
your child that “opportunity equals responsibility.” When the
responsibility stays up (a satisfactory report card), so does the
opportunity to choose your own activities on Saturday mornings. When the
responsibility drops, so does the opportunity.
10. Communicate positive expectations. One of the best things you can do
for your children is to expect their success and communicate that to
them. Use surprise talk when presented with a negative report card.
“Wow. This is surprising,” and “I never expected this” are ways to
communicate that you hold higher expectations of them than the report
card reflects. When they bring home a positive report card, use surprise
talk in a different way. “Knowing you the way I do, this type of report
doesn’t surprise me.” “This doesn’t surprise me. Not after the way I
have seen you study and prepare for tests. Congratulations.”
Report cards come home several times a year. You will have more than one
opportunity to use these rules with your children. When you do use them,
keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important
than anything written on their report card.
About The Author
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of Teaching the Attraction
Principle to Children: Practical Strategies for Parents and Teachers to Help
Children Manifest a Better World. They are two of the world's foremost
authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a
free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or to obtain more information
about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs visit their
website today:
www.personalpowerpress.com.
Used With Permission
